My thoughts out of my head!

So Far

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 22:48:36 GMT

So far i've lost 10 pounds making the total of 15 pounds
yay! But i'm trying to break/avoid a weightloss plateau
so i'm eating more calories.
Tomorrow i fast. i'll fast for 2 days and then wednesday
i'll start to eat 500 cals 'til saturday when i'll eat more calories.
Kinda like the 2-4-6-8 diet only my way.
I'm going to do this till april.
wish me luck!
In other news, lately i've being kinda down
and yesterday i cut myself for the first time in 4 + months.
I'm a recovering addict and 3 months ago i lost my sponsor
and now i'm starting to feel lost when it comes to recovery
i'm stuck! I'm not working the steps, which i should.
And yesterday for the first time i started to feel alone and
lost w/out a sponsor and i'm in pain. I actuaclly cried!
And people that knows me knows i don't cry just because...
Now i don't know my future in NA.
What's the point when my network ignores me?
just because i tried to kill myself?
I mean when the most i needed them they banished....
my sponsor too! and she nows what happened when something like this happens!
if you relapse or or try to commit suicide people leaves.....
and now i don't know.....

Every thing!

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:10:25 GMT

I'm Fine!
Just doing good!
Sticking to my diet as always!
and started to see results w/ the new one!
5 pounds in 2 days!
that's good!
I went to caloriesperhour.com and
i calculated to loose 25 pounds
in 2 months and 16 days
IF I continue the way
i'm going!
......................

In other news (LOL)
I haven't cut in 4 months
And I AM SO F*CKING HAPPY!
....................

I'm InLove!!!!!
She's amaizingly beautiful!
Love @ First Sight? Maybe!
Maybe Love @ first chat!!!!!
But one thing is for sure
She won't pay attention to me!

Writer's Block: More Island Time

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:52:14 GMT

You're packing your bag for that other desert island—the one with no electricity—what 5 books do you take with you?

Submitted By mika_uriah

View 501 Answers

Shopaholic Saga
Twiligh!
There, 5 books!
Comedy and Vampires!

WoW!

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:52:50 GMT

I haven't post a thing in more than 3 months now
and i most confessed that
i've gained weight because i was hospitalized, watched over
and other things that made me eat and
I've being bingeing but that stop. I have lost 8 lbs in 3 days.
I started "dieting" 3 days ago, so slow and steady
i'll reached my goal weight by the summer.
I've being exercising in my room, doing hundred crunches
and exercises from
exercisetv I recommend it it works!
I feel good eating to survive
eating 500 cals a day....
I haven't being hungry, well i've felt hunger
a few times but it doesn't matter...
IT MEANS THAT IT'S WORKING!

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:39:23 GMT

2 days ago a friend of mine die. I heard the news last night and i guess i was in shock or something because even though i got sad i didn't react to the news the way other would. I remember seing him monday.He looked so healthy.

2 days later he's gone for good, he was Bipolar so i guess the 2 things together was too much for him and wednesday, rush hour he got high, and jump off the apartment building he lived.

I honestly don't know how to react because at first i remember that i always thought that he'd end up dead any time soon(as long as some other mutual friends), angry because he never got the program even though he was willing to get clean, angry because he knew the concequences but still, that wasn't enough, he used to reach out and had a huge network and he was outgoing and i'm shy as hell my network is small and i suck when it comes to reach out.

This is the second friend that i've lost because of drugs/depression in less than a year, both of them young.

Now i look back and feel so ashamed for all the times that suicide was on my mind and how many times i wish it was me not others. I feel ashamed because he left and left no answers, not suicide note nothing to give us and idea of what was going on thru his mind And because i finally realize how SELFISH SUICIDE IS! and thinking how many times i read people saying that suicide is a selfish act, in my mind i i used to go like"Is this motherfucker crazy? Does he/she knows what it's like to be depressed half your life and on top of that being addicted to any substance?" And now i'm like how in hell i ever thought that if i killed myself nobody would notice that i'm gone and people would understand the reason why i did it.

I'm registering all this now. But weird is that i have this Green day song stuck in my head because it really explain how i feel and stuff.

J.A.R.

My friend drove off the other day
And now he's gone and all they say
Is you've got to live, cuz life goes on
But now, I see I'm mortal, too
I can't live my life like you
Got to live it up, while life goes on

Chorus:
And I think it's all right
That I do what I like
Cuz that's the way I want to live
And so I give
And I'm still giving

And now I wonder about my friend
If he gave all he could give
Cuz he lived his life like I live mine
If you could see inside my head
Then you'd start to understand
The things I value in my heart

(chorus)

You know that
I know that
You're watching me

(chorus)

Got to make a plan; got to do what's right
Can't run around in circles if you want to build a life
But I don't want to make a plan for a day far away
While I'm young and while I'm able, all I want to do is...[play]

I want you all to remember that people around you loves you. I love you all guys even though i haven't met you in person or just dropped a few lines , if you ever feel like you just can't deal w/ lif anymore talk to someone or go to the ER. Help is available to us all. I got help just in time to be here writing this down and regreting all my stupidity. Because of this help i'm 16 month clean and sober and Depression and other issues are under control, bacause of this help i am more than grateful to be alive and free.

And if you know someone w/ any of this problems please talk to that person help them because nobody have to die because of this. there're hotlines that can help, 12 steps programs therapy and more....

LoVE YOU ALL

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:59:34 GMT

yesterday it was good,
i was 7 pounds lighter
but something happened
something bad happened
i binged.
How many cals. more than
~~a 1000 but less than 1500!~~
(yeah it's awful)
i don't know what happened
like i was pumped up and ate
200 cals sharp.(i'm doing the 0-2-4-6-8-0)
and was doing good. till last night....
afterwards i felt nauseous and wanted to purge
but couldn't and now i'm so confuse because
i don't know if i should continue the 024680 thing
which today is 400 or to fast i'll seei

Minus 7 pounds!

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 21:07:58 GMT

Today when i weight myself
this morning i got so happy
and still am because i've lost
7 pounds in less than 2 days
umbelievable like this is my
second day on the 2468 thing
and just melted away.
yesterday i fast.
today was the 200 cal. day
so i ate a Campbell chiken noodle
soup(160 cal.) and tow soda crakers(40 cal.)
and that's it no more food for me till tomorrow
400 cal.day.
i'm happy!

The beginning!

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:12:26 GMT

Today i started the 2-4-6-8 diet but w/ a twist
0-2-4-6-8-0 and this one of the fasting days
and feel totally good. i've being drinking
water and drank a diet coke so far i've lost a
few pounds in less than a day so i guess i'm
on the right track and i wanna continue like that
everybody around me knows that i'm on a "diet"
for a while so they won't bother me w/ "you're not eating!"
"what's wrong!?" and whatever they usually say.

I'm stil ashame to post my current weight but by
the end of this month i guess i'll be ready to
post it, if i'm not i'm not!

One thing i've notice is that when i fast
i feel good, no guilt, no"i need to purge"
"why am i so weak"
It's more like: hunger pain is my friend!
And the main goal is not to be big
is to be thin so by the end of the year
i'll look "presentable"and"decent"

I don't wanna be huge my entire life
i want to be free and thin.

Today i''m going to watch the janice dickinson
marathon and there is this episode that she is
watching plus size model eating like pigs
and she get disgusted and of course i want to
see the real models because they inspire me...

I also print out some thinspiration and
reverse thinspiration just in case i feel like
i'm getting weak and some quotes and
tips, even though i have a lot of tips
and tricks at hand it's always good to have
more....

I gotta be strong and think thin!!!!

Sucks!

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:57:00 GMT

Ok, i've being binging
and feel like a total failure
don't know how to stop
and how to start regaining
control.

I've found groups here about some other stuff
that concerns to me like clean and sober
and another one about depression and music and stuff.

Ithanx god i'm not as depressed as i was
i was suicidal and now going to a depression comunity
really made me realize how far i've come
i'm still self-destructive and still have an ED
but i can live w/ it-------->The ED i mean!

And it's being a while since i updated my
own journal.

In A Nutshell:
I'm a failure
i feel huge and
stupid
i'm not depressed
and more....

But monday i'll start w/ the 2468
my version of course 0-2-4-6-8-0
I pick the calories sundays between
200 and 800 or i can choose to fast
I like to have options that's why it was
so hard for me to follow the ABC....

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:09:26 GMT

I was doing the ABC and I wasn't losing weight
like i used to before starting it, and unfortunately
i binged! i'm so sad and pissed at myself
i have no control, i'm so dumb. i was doing so
good and now i don't know what to do or where to start.
and i feel like a huge fat cow
feel so heavy.
where did i go wrong?!
I'm going to fast today and tomorrow
and weekend i'll eat 500
monday i'll start the 2-4-6-8-0-0-0
for a month and see how it works
well,Let's see....
I'm so fucking sad
right now
don't know what to do!!!
God, what have i done!!!!!

Melting Away!

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:53:44 GMT

So far so good.
Since yesterday i lost
3 more pounds
18 in total
fasting works.

This is day 2 in my fasting period
and so is the last day
and 1 thing that makes me nervous
is that tommorrow is my grandma's
b-day and she is expecting me to eat.
I'm like"i will" and in fact i'll eat dinner
nothing else, but thursday i'm going to fast
and friday i'll eat 500 cals.

I hate when my grandma start w/ the
"you haven't eaten today and blah blah"
i don't know what she worries about
I'm not stick thin, i'm not even thin
i have enough fat in me to survive
for a month. =( i hate my body!

A

Another thing!

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:15:55 GMT

I haven't talked about and is that i'm a cutter
i've being cutting for about 7 months now
But i've being SI for like 11 years
Why am i so self destructive?
Don't know but i like it
I binged this past weekend so now
i'm fasting for about 2 days
My grandma's B-day is wednesday
and we'll go out and of curse
i'm gonna have to cover up
and eat at dinner time
but i wont eat breakfast or anything else!
well, wish me luck!

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:04:04 GMT

Ok so today is day 2 on my fasting
yesterday i only ate 25 or 35 calories
and didn't go to the gym, i was tired
and went to bed earlier than usually
today i weight myself and have lost
a pound, what a freaking disappointment
Maybe it's because i haven't being to the gym
in 2 days and my body is such a freaking mess
it got leazy and forgot or don't want to loose weight!
but i'm going to the gym tonight,tomorrow
and hopefully sunday.

One thing that is freaking me out
besides not loosing weight
is that i gave myself permission
to eat whatever i want
because i wanna keep myself
sane. But it doesn't work so well
i mean i eat like a pig
try not to feel guilty
and tell myself that i won't gain that much weight
which in fact i didn't but i guess
i could have lost more weight if i didn't
binge. And of course i feel so frealing guilty
it's not even funny.

I binged wednesday and thought that i didn't gained weight
and did gain a pound which i lost yesterday
and hopefully i won't eat a thing today
but it's nerve racking the fact that i have to go shopping and
my mom is going to buy cookies
[those that comes ready to bake]
and i like them so freaking much...

I'm staying strong but i need help
for this weekend!!!
what can i do!?

I don't wanna eat but i do at the same time....
i'm going mental here.

Well guys,
STAY STRONG!!!!!

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 17:02:31 GMT

So far i've lost 13 pounds
but yesterday was a nightmare
i binged!
And it sucks!
while eating i fell the food invading my
body and today i'm bloated
and when i weighted myself ths morning
it seems like i didn't gain weight
but i'm sure i gained 1 or 2 pounds.
Today and tomorrow i'm going to fast
work out for like 2 hours and hit the sauna for a few minutes.
i'm only able to drink coffee, chew gum, and drink tons of water
but because i'm feeling sleepy i'm going to take a nap later
and go to bed early
My ~~punishment~~ i mean lesson of the day is to write down
"Empty is pure,starvation is the cure"
times my weight which would have being easier if i were thin
and if i feel like eating,i'll write down
"Ask yourself-Do you really wan that food
more than you want to be skinny!?"
the same amount of my weight. So i guess i'll think twice about eating about
eating whatever is on my mind.
Also i'm going to read some quotes (Pro ana of course!) so i stay on track.
Also i have a mini thinspiration book that i carry on w/ me all day...
Hopefully, i'll lose between 4 and 6 pounds....

privacy

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:49:12 GMT

i really need a journal because right now i'm going through a lot of stuff and it's hard because they don't want me to do ti and i want to do it like i really like cutting and see blood it relaxes me and they want me to stop it and sometimes i want to stop but ....i just can't