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31 October 2008 @ 02:37 pm
 
 2 days ago a friend of mine die. I heard the news last night and i guess i was in shock or something because even though i got sad i didn't react to the news the way other would. I remember seing him monday.He looked so healthy.

2 days later he's gone for good, he was Bipolar so i guess the 2 things together was too much for him and wednesday, rush hour he got high, and jump off the apartment building he lived.

I honestly don't know how to react because at first i remember that i always thought that he'd end up dead any time soon(as long as some other mutual friends), angry because he never got the program even though he was willing to get clean, angry because he knew the concequences but still, that wasn't enough, he used to reach out and had a huge network and he was outgoing and i'm shy as hell my network is small and i suck when it comes to reach out.

This is the second friend that i've lost because of drugs/depression in less than a year, both of them young.

Now i look back and feel so ashamed for all the times that suicide was on my mind and how many times i wish it was me not others. I feel ashamed because he left and left no answers, not suicide note nothing to give us and idea of what was going on thru his mind And because i finally realize how SELFISH SUICIDE IS! and thinking how many times i read people saying that suicide is a selfish act, in my mind i i used to go like"Is this motherfucker crazy? Does he/she knows what it's like to be depressed half your life and on top of that being addicted to any substance?" And now i'm like how in hell i ever thought that if i killed myself nobody would notice that i'm gone and people would understand the reason why i did it.

I'm registering all this now. But weird is that i have this Green day song stuck in my head because it really explain how i feel  and stuff.

J.A.R.

My friend drove off the other day
And now he's gone and all they say
Is you've got to live, cuz life goes on
But now, I see I'm mortal, too
I can't live my life like you
Got to live it up, while life goes on

Chorus:
And I think it's all right
That I do what I like
Cuz that's the way I want to live
And so I give
And I'm still giving

And now I wonder about my friend
If he gave all he could give
Cuz he lived his life like I live mine
If you could see inside my head
Then you'd start to understand
The things I value in my heart

(chorus)

You know that
I know that
You're watching me

(chorus)

Got to make a plan; got to do what's right
Can't run around in circles if you want to build a life
But I don't want to make a plan for a day far away
While I'm young and while I'm able, all I want to do is...[play]

I want you all to remember that people around you loves you. I love you all guys even though i haven't met you in person or just dropped a few lines , if you ever feel like you just can't deal w/ lif anymore talk to someone or go to the ER. Help is available to us all. I got help just in time to be here writing this down and regreting all my stupidity. Because of this help i'm 16 month clean and sober and Depression and other issues are under control, bacause of this help i am more than grateful to be alive and free.

And if you know someone w/ any of this problems please talk to that person help them because nobody have to die because of this. there're hotlines that can help, 12 steps programs therapy and more....


LoVE YOU ALL

 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: J.A.R-Green Day
 
 
 
i_wanna_b_meei_wanna_b_mee on November 4th, 2008 03:27 pm (UTC)
Hey sweety, im sorry about your friend. Really.

Im proud of you for being clean for so long, keep up the good work hun! your really strong an im proud of u!

Love ya,
xxx